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last month or so hasn't been so good... Found out a few things that joe was hiding from me, "for my own good", because he didn't want to make me "more" upset. But we all know that it DID make me more upset to find out on my own than by him just coming out and telling me. There is no other girl. I kinda wish it was another girl at least that way it would make sense for what he's doing. I've come to the fact, and he has admitted it to me, that my boyfriend is a compulsive liar. He likes buying me things, and getting me what i want. He likes spoiling me and taking me out all the time. He likes showing me off and pointing out how i'm so important in his life. And except for the last thing, all those things need money. He went to a couple places and borrowed money to get me my car. He did it again to get me something else. and he kept going to these places to pay the car payment, car insurance and rent. He never told me. I found out when everything came to the head, and the finaince people were calling my phone telling me that my car was turned off and how much needed to be paid. Joe likes to write checks. Thing is as we all know, its not good to write checks when you don't have the money in your bank account to begin with. So we had that mess to deal with. Then he lied to me where he got the money from, had to borrow some off his mom and uncle to catch up on the bills. And so on and on and on and on. This Friday past we stood out in the cold when i got home from work arguing about money and about his lies. He's never ever cheated on me. All he lies about is money. Because he doesn't want me to know how badly he's fucked up shit. I was so close to calling it off with him that night. But i still love him. and believe we can work it out.
Then today happened. I told him i wanted to close his bank account at pnc because they're just retarded and he needed a better bank. They went to refund all his funds or whatever it is, to see how much he could get back.... that would be zero. thats how badly he has fucked up his account. So we're just waiting for his direct deposit to stop so he can close the account. Then i found out that they had turned my car off last night and we called them this morning to see how much we owed. that would be 353 dollars more than it should be. trust me. so we got back and i called my mom and was crying on the phone about it and she said she would give me the money to turn it back on. yeah my mom. so we kissed and made up and he went to work. then later on that night i found out that he had lied to me about this job interview that he said he had. so i called him and told him that if he didn't leave work and come home now he wont have a girlfriend to come home to at all. He left and on his whole way home i bitched him out and yelled and screamed at him. When he got here i did some more. by the end of our three hour convo out in the cold of like 40 degrees he admitted to me that he had a problem and that he needed help. He had metioned it before but i didn't take him seriously. but now i do.
i made him feel really bad, he cried, and graveled and i took him back inside and fed him and gave him medicine and now he's lying asleep next to me.
before tonight we had already decieded that i was going to manage the money and budget and deal with the bills. if he needs money i'll give it to him, and hopefully it will be okay.
i can't help that i love him. i'm going to get him help. he loves me. everything he has done he has done for me. until there's something more devastating i'm going to stick with him all the way.
i love him. | | |
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On a better note… I have been with my boyfriend now for more than 6 months. His name is Joe. He is 35 years old, has 2 kids (9&6), and has a job. We got together at the end of February and haven’t really been able to keep our hands off each other since then. I’m not going to lie, I would of never of saw myself with someone like him if it wasn’t for the fact of how my boyfriend before him fucked with my head so bad. But I’m happy that I did make the decision to go out with him. He was stuck when I first met him, the kids mother has nothing to do with them. She’s literally a whore. With a different guy every other week. She pumps Marcus for information on his dad and what he’s doing. Stuff that parents shouldn’t do to their kids. I think it’s horrible. She doesn’t have a job, doesn’t pay child support (yet :]) or do anything else for them really. The kids spend the weekend with their grandmother, her mother. Joe was living with his aunt when I first met him, she was taking his weekly check and spending it on things that she thought they needed and then would curse and blame him for the bills not being paid and money missing. Joe had absolutely no control over his own money, he couldn’t even get to it, she would guilt him when he would finally get fed up and then he would feel bad and just start to roll with it again… Until I changed that. His aunt wasn’t quite right up there… she would talk to me while I would wait for Joe to get off of work, about Joe…. Telling me he was a liar, stealer and con artist. SHE TOLD ME THIS ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND. At first I had fucked myself up so bad into believing her and I would get mad and call him out on it. But then I finally realized she was just crazy. And just wanted attention. She would tell me that I’m too good for him and that I deserve better. And to be perfectly honest, I am too good for Joe. But I don’t care because I have fell in love with him. And until I fall out of love with him that’s how I’m always going to feel. Finally things between him and her had gotten so bad she threatened to kick him out again. And I convinced him that it was time to move on and if he wanted to make a life he couldn’t make it there with her controlling every aspect of his life. So my parents agreed to let him move in with me. The kids went to grandmas so they could stay in the school they’re going to because Joe didn’t want them to switch, and here we are. At first it was a little rocky, but now we’ve gotten into a routine. He bought me a car… A CAR! A Toyota Camry. Which I am in love with. He decided that before getting our own place I had to get a car so all of our money wouldn’t go into the tank of my parents ford bronco. He put his car title up so he could get the money to get my car. Which I think is so fucking amazing. How many men do that for their girlfriends? I mean seriously. We have had fights and I have had doubts, but we talk and sort them out and usually by the next morning we’re back all over each other. I admit I think I’m a little wierded out by the fact that I actually found a guy that loves me so much. I’m not use to it. But I love it. Our plans is to stay at my parent’s house so we can save up and get our own place, which should be by January hopefully… And for me to go back to school next semester, saving the money up for that too. I just love him so much.
My Dad went along with Joe moving in because my mom said he could and I think he just didn’t want to argue with mom so he just let it happen. He’s not very fond of Joe or he tries not to be because I am still his daughter. Joe is very comical and tries to be funny and joke around a lot, which gets on everyone’s nerves around here, even mine sometimes too. I’ve gotten him to be more serious about things than he used to be. Dad says he should have his shit more together than he does already for being a 35-year-old man with 2 kids, which is true. It’s just that Joe seems to be late about everything. He was spoiled. (that’s a whole other story). But he is trying and he has showed me in so many ways how hard he is trying. He’s given up a lot of things for me that I asked him to do and he did it. And that shows me how much he wants everything to work. I just love his so much.
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| So its been a very, very, very long time since i've been on here haha. Lot of things have happened. I lost one more good friend back in March. His name was jason. I had known him since we were in diapers. His father is my daddy's best friend. Going to his funeral was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. That morning my mother decided to pick a fight with dad. Which just made the day worst. Found out that my mother had been cheating on my father for about 6 mos. With a drug addict. Who was in his 30's. She decided to tell me all about him on my birthday while her and i were eating crabs. Hell of a birthday for me. I know i will never forget it. The next two months were hell. I will admit i was not there for my dad as much as i should've been. Mostly because i couldn't bare to see him in the emotional dramatic state he was in. It killed me. Every part of me. He cried himself to sleep every night. He begged and pleaded with my mother to stop going off and seeing him. She wouldn't listen. Finally when the idiot overdosed and landed in the loony bin mom decided to stay with us and to start paying the bills again. Come to find out, she wasn't paying the mortgage and anything else for that matter because she wasn't planning on staying with us. she was ready to leave her family. her two daughters for that matter. and even if i don't include myself, she was going to leave my 16 year old sister who is nothing but a positive ray of sunshine. she never thinks negative, is always smiling, she's so damn happy and bubbly all the damn time it makes me want to vomit, and my mom shattered her world. Dad was in and out of the hospital for those two months. He couldn't hold it in and told everyone who came into contact with him what was going on. He never told Larry or miss Hope. I told miss Hope, i kept seeing her at work, and each time my heart was crying out to tell someone. To tell someone what my Mother was doing. So finally one night i did, she brought the food cart back from the homestead wing and asked me how mom and dad were doing and i told her. she looked at me like she had just got hit with a truck. my parents were the married couple that divorce, single & other married couples looked up to. Everyone else always asked how they did it. They have been together for twenty years. Well after the dumb ass overdosed and what not she decided to stay with us and to not flee to my grandmother's as she was planning. So then i had to deal with the fact that "everything is okay now... she's back, and loves us".... what a load of bullshit. How the fuck am i suppose to deal with the fact that she was ready to walk out on her family of twenty years to live with some junkie? how am i suppose to forgive her and forget the night she said "I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL ANYMORE!" she yelled it. at the dining room table. how am i suppose to forget that? how am i suppose to get over the fact that i had been giving her 200 dollars out of my check everytime i got paid, trusting her to give it to mommom to pay her back for my tuition and now find out that mommom didn't get a dime? HOW? its been i think two months now. and i just got back to talking to her about things. i cant trust her. its like my mind won't let me. its telling me to not tell her anything. to keep her in the dark. she was doing things at first to get back into my good graces. like buying me things, and taking me places when i wasn't working. then she when my boyfriend Joe had to get out of his place she told me he could move in with us. and that's when i realized i was going to be in her pocket for a long while...
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Heat
By Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Jon Voight, Tom Sizemore
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MIND YOU! this is just me. I'm talking about myself and my priorities. I'm not telling anyone what to do w/ your lives. (So sally, stfu and eat your cheesy poofs on the couch) so me and d have been over. J.E. is still txting me, M.S. texting me, J.B. is having a kid... wow. i literally suck at realtionships. To be perfectly honest i do have that streak in me, i like being independant. That's how my parents raised me, to take care of my own, but everyone needs somebody every once in a while. Most of my friends are guys... all of my "friends" except for one, are guys. I have fuck buddies (god i hate that phrase, i'm a slut) i've had the friends w/ benifets deal, and i have had long previous relationships when i was in school. My first boyfriend and i were together for 3 years (about), when i broke up w/ him i was w/ another guy for 1 1/2, after that one i was in tenth grade and was doing the friend-switch thing so yeah............. (hope that makes sense, kinda rambling) so
Where i'm going w/ this is...... Ever since i actually grew and use my brain i can't seem to find anyone on the same level as me. I'm not an airhead, nor a sports fanatic. I'm pretty much a variety packed wrapped in one. i like all music(except for *new country) : rock, metal, 90's country and before, motown, screamo, emo, rap, r&b. i like all kinds of movies including the classics. i don't believe in the "o-zone layer disaster", (seriously, fuck you AL GORE.) i believe in God, but i'm not going to the church and asking them if God thinks i should buy a new house now(my aunt) i don't have a lot of girlfriends. HONESTLY I ONLY HAVE ONE, because we've been fucked so many times by so many diff people it's not even funny. (to be honest i think our relationship actually evolved due to us trying to figure out if our ex-besties were stabbing us in the fucking backs.) my family comes before any penis, no matter how BIG. I tend to think things through before i react unless you piss me off so bad then its just a bad situation for everyone all around... <--- justin said that about me haha. I've been through pretty much everything, overdosed 3 times in my life hopefully the third time is a charm. i know everyone around where i live because i've been friends w/ everyone at least once throughout school. i was attacked and beaten by a pipe from my crazy ex-boyfriend. i believe in an "eye for an eye", i believe in justice, i am a patriot, i love animals but i'm not a PETA-FREAK. just don't abuse them. oh and leah! MICE AND RATS ARE NOT ANIMALS THEY ARE RODENTS. THEY CARRY DISEASES. THERFORE IT'S FAIR GAME. Once you've backstabbed me that's pretty much it. I'm tired of forgiving people only to have them do it again. hmmm, think that's everything. SO ^^^With that being said^^^ its been hard to find a guy to actually stick with that doesn't support or at least humor my thoughts and feelings. which is why there's the fuckbuddies. I feel like i should explain myself because everyone around me is together and they're looking at me like i'm an idiot because i have these "great guys" in front of me who want to be w/ me, but i'm sorry... THEY'RE COMPLETE LOSERS. they have no prospects, no plans. just play video games and eat chips on their mama's couch. Sorry A, but i'm not "settling" like you did. I DESERVE SOMETHING MORE. I feel that i'm to young to pick out the man of my dreams to spend the rest of my life with... or two years w/ before divorce : ) How can you pick out a guy and say he's the one when you haven't seen the world yet? GRANTED some "just know" and they have a perfect ending. Others say "i just know" and end up in a bad situation. I refuse. I will graduate from chesapeake, go to PA, work and go to law school, and find a someone that has actual dreams and wants to do something w/ their life. This one girl told me yesterday, "you have to take care of the here now." My reply is: if you have to take care of the here and now then, what makes life worth living? | | |
| It truly has been one hell of a year for me, and perhaps the world. I've lost three people that were very close to me in the last 4 months. The first was John boy, the second Matt Thrower, and the third my best friend's father. It may sound dumb because that is the ultimate definintion "death" but its so final. Once their gone, their gone. I know all of them are in a better place, looking down on us like guardian angels but its just hard. It has made me really think. Why should we graduate high school? Go to college? Get a good job, a nice house, nice cars and earn a lot of money? Why? What is the point? When ultimatley your just going to die, your things will get passed down and divided throughout your family and friends, you will be put into the ground or the fire and that will be that. When I was younger I used to think about these things. I think about when and how i'm going to stage my exit of this life. I actually feel a state of panic, I mean once my heart stops that is it. FINAL. I'm gone. So what is the point? I asked my best friend that when Matt died. She said "we have to keep on living." Its what us humans do. So after his memorial service I bucked up to life and said "give me your best shot" and now about a month later God has chosen to take my best friend's father away. Which had once more knocked me down into the mud. But i feel stronger now. I don't know if it's because i have to be for her, or if I have learned how to deal with it now. I don't know. But I have decided to make my mark in life instead of giving into the negative and becoming absolutly nothing. My grades suffered greatly this semester because of the stress of losing two friends but next semester i plan on bringing my average up and getting the hell out of this state to become something.
 john
 matt
 douglas scott
REST IN PEACE | | |
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